If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Dietest Coke
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
hmm conte-me mais
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah