Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
You Might Also Like
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.