U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
This kinda thing happens to me often
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.