Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
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February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
me when i see my girls butt
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body