The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
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I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”