I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
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Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say