Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
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My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Cats are still liquid.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
The news
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂