Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
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The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.