Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
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Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Air conditioning – not a fan
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.