There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
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me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.