When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader