I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
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Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Cake!!
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught