In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
The days of good grammer has went
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.