You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
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Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.