Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Thrilling chase underway
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor