Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince