Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
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money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?