Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
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The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Every BBC series about the universe.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.