She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.