Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
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I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
You have been warned.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
so weird how every mom was born today
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why