9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
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[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……