Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I put the h in mysterious.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
(more comics:
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.