John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
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We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Seems kinda suspicious
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
who will stop them
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Good boy 😂😂
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok