Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
You Might Also Like
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis