If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
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Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I have questions??
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”