“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
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“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?