WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
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It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
who wants to go expliring
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
The prophecy is fulfilled
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”