Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
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Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
is it earth
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right