*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
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I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”