Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
You Might Also Like
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Dead
Alive
Other✔
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Cat is stressing him out.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.