Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
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Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
i now pronounce you bounced.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Van Gone
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*