I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
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[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.