Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
The Joker was right
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.