Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
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Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
We need more people like this.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.