In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
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Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.