90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
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“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.