I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
You Might Also Like
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
This is the one
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend