If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
unbelievably distressed by this ad
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep