me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
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[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Duck typos.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.