Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
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COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My work here is don’t.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.