Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
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Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.