ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
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1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
This made me chuckle.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.