Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
You Might Also Like
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
how it started vs how it ended
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Wedding planning is organized crime.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
(yawn)
when you are just born a rebel
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.