Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
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Siri: Retweet me.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.