Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?