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Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.