My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
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Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.