[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
see you in hell you stupid fruit
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys