me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
You Might Also Like
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.