When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
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Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
This squirrel eats better than I do
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.